Punxsutawney Phil says goodbye to fellow groundhog Milltown Mel

Tyson Head, Editor

A tragedy struck this Groundhog’s Day, February 2, when New Jersey’s counterpart to Pennsylvania’s Punxsutawney Phil, Milltown Mel, passed away just days before his big day.

This year Phil saw his own shadow, leading to the presumption of six more weeks of winter; yet it seems we are in for much more than that. Dark days are ahead to be certain. With his fellow groundhogs Wiarton Willie, Dunkirk Dave, and Punxsutawney Phil himself mourning the loss of their good friend. According to Saint Louis High School Alumni Grant Bebow, “My soul is now empty. This can only mean one thing; we are in eternal winter.” 

Yes, while Phil saw his own shadow, it would seem poor old Mel saw the shadow of death. There simply is no coincidence when one of the groundhog council members passes, and our city of St. Louis is subsequently struck with the roughest snow of the winter so far. Our fair groundhogs have been deciding our fate since 1886. According to Dylan Luft, “We just can’t get a break. This is a national tragedy for the history books.” It would seem Mel took the way of Icarus, though instead of flying too close to the sun, the light he went to was the heavens. 

Let’s just say it wouldn’t be an exaggeration for one to think the world is coming to an end, with the 20s so far being the worst decade for America since the 1930s and 1940s. It seems all three years so far, we’ve been lured into a false sense of security until something happens around the early months of the year to snap us back to the present depressing reality. It would certainly not be out of place for the Easter Bunny to get hit by a UPS truck in April of 2023. Or, not to be outdone, old St. Patrick gets alcohol poisoning in March of 2024.